Battlefield 3

I hate Battlefield 3. I hate Battlefield 3 so very, very much. So many people love it, including many of my best friends. I hate it with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. Why? Oh, where to begin...

Well, let's start with the single player, as it will take the least amount of time to talk about. Why did they even give this game a single player, much less and entire disc of single player? The story, from the few minutes I played of it, revolves around a terror plot that the Secret Service agent from "24" and some other guy are trying to get out of the player character through boring flashback sequences. It's like Call of Duty: Black Ops, but with even less heart. Everything looks so generic that I just couldn't find a way to get into any aspect of it. Hey, that building's blowing up. Isn't that pretty? Look at those particle effects. Boring.

Now for the reason this game exists; multiplayer. There is nothing less satisfying that spawn-killing; for the killed and, I would hope, the killer. Say what you want about Call of Duty multiplayer, but I have yet to be spawn-killed once in the four games or so since the first Modern Warfare. Not once. On the other hand, I have been spawn-killed at least once in every match I've played in Battlefield 3. Camping is also the order of the day, with snipers lurking in every dark corner of the map. I am in the small camp of people who legitimately believes that camping is a legitimate strategy. However, it makes the game really annoying. I don't camp because running around stabbing guys or blasting them with shotguns is significantly more fun. I just enjoy the twitch shooter, or at least the shooter that allows for both camping and speedy fun, over fifteen minutes of bullets flying into my skull from across the map.

Speaking of maps, do you like the same two maps over and over again? Well then you're in luck! Every map in the game seems to be smaller portions of the same two maps; a European city and an industrial area filled with crates. That's all you get. Every other game in existence in this first-person shooter style has at least three maps, usually significantly more. How lazy can they be? And don't even get me started on the menus in this game, which may feature the worst game lobby ever made. When a match is over, you can't mess around with your loadouts, I don't think you can invite friends to your match and you most certainly cannot quit from the match without quitting out of the entire game and going to the dashboard. I don't understand how this could be screwed up. I just don't understand the thinking.

At the end of the day, I hate this game because of what it stands for and how it was sold. I'm so tired of these modern military shooters that I'm actually pining for a good ol' fashioned WWII shooter. At least you got some interesting history out of those. These clandestine modern games set in fake conflicts that tend to simultaneously wish the Cold War was still on while figuring out a way to demonize as many different kinds of brown people as possible. Battlefield's the worst because they try to make it seem realistic, which brings us to the way it was sold. How many times did you hear the phrase Frostbite 2 associated with this game? Hell, they actually have Frostbite 2 alongside DICE, the developer, in the opening credits. Does anyone give a rat's ass about an engine? Video games are an interesting crossroads between art, entertainment and technology, but Battlefield 3 almost seems like a really long tech demo at this point. Everything was so poorly thought-out and executed in the game that I get the feeling that all of the work went into their stupid engine. And you know what? It looks ok. The particle effects are pretty. I like the lighting. However, why does it matter that a game has the capacity to be good-looking when the level design is so boring and generic? Frostbite 2 might make some great games, but this isn't one of them.

So why do I hate this game? It's soulless, boring and against everything I stand for as a gamer. It doesn't feel polished. It's not fun. There's just nothing to enjoy. Single player is stupid and multiplayer is one of the most annoying experiences I've ever had the misfortune of getting myself into. Then there's the little things, like the stupid glitch effect they use when transitioning between menus, or the stupid menus themselves.  If you're going to play the game, play it online with a friend because it's really the only way it's fun. Otherwise, please ditch this game and support innovation rather than an inaccurate and boring war sim.